11.14.12 [waiver]

"do you have a minute?" ben asked when he called.
that's normal. often with 3 kids, my minutes are full and he wanted my undivided attention. 
the conversation could have been about a upcoming meeting or an email from a pastor friend.
but it wasn't.

after days of sun and warm temperatures,
today's sky gray and temperatures dropping.
earlier i had welcomed in the air with propped open windows.
now i lean out the window starring into bleak sky and hills of homes. i stare into the bay and the ships that have come from the west.
my emotions are raw.
my stomach sick.
i begin to grieve.
the words ben shares are of despair and lifelessness.

there has been little movement with india, 
but now it seems less than little. 
can it get to less than little?
we are already waiting.
already 2 months with no news.
supposedly those that have gotten referrals are not even within the perimeters of the adoptive families.
supposedly indians adopting in country is on the rise. 
our agency has been in contact with other agencies who have adoption paperwork in india and the news is the same.
no news. 
but more than that.
a country that revamped its adoption guidelines and closed down to do so in 2011, has come to a standstill again.

a waiver must be signed.
a waiver with our agency saying we understand the risks of continuing on.
a waiver saying we hold no one liable and venture into uncharted waters with little hope and little communication from india.
a waiver saying there are no more established timelines.
no certainty of this becoming a reality for us.
we're not forced to sign. 
in fact, at this turning point, 
all signs say it's a no go.

the risk just got riskier. 
the stakes higher.
her cry for help just got louder.
the enemy uglier.
systems just got more jarred. 
my hope in God tighter.

with tearful determination
 a prayer with ben
and a glimmer of hope in God,
we'll sign the waiver.

to see an indian girl adopted into this family 
will take a miracle. 
all odds against her and us.
adoption advocates have stated the facts.
they're explained in black and white on letterhead.

orphaned children walk the streets.
fatherless girls
motherless sons
awake and lie down with no one to love them.
i claim His Word that He sees and loves each one of these.

my soul asks,
is God bigger than i think?
is He more powerful than government?
do i really believe He's in control?
am i crazy to hold on?
is our world so broken that this is a wash?
can anything be done?
who am i and who is she that God sees?

we hold onto our hope in God.
crazy hope. 
hope that He'll come through for her and for us.
hope that He's at work despite what we see taking place on earth.
hopeful for a miracle.
hopeful for an orphaned girl to be loved unconditionally by us.