{post written in the dark. if this is published, it's because light has come. it's because we have the two approvals needed. it means our case is headed to court! resurrection post coming next}


in the darkness, you still live.

you just live dependent.

dependent upon the only Hope you have. dependent upon the only Light you see.

dependent upon the One who cares and controls.


in the darkness, you hear things and think you're going crazy. the enemy likes to really mess with your mind. that's his battleground. but you tell him:

in this purpose,

in this following Christ's mission,

in this rescue,

in this impossible task,

in this pursuit of an orphaned girl,

in the waiting,

in the darkness,

the Lord is near.

"hear the voice of my pleas for mercy, when i cry to You for help, when i left up my hands towards your most holy sanctuary." {Psalm 28.2}


in the darkness, you read letters as they serve as reminders that you're not alone.


in the darkness, you look at another adoption families' miraculous story and that infuses hope.


in the darkness, everyone of you is seeking God. everyone.


in the darkness, you eat indian and watch indian movies and dance to bollywood songs.

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in the darkness, you cry for release. you cry because you're not in control. you cry because greater is He.


in the darkness, your friends send you silly string and homemade cookies. it doesn't make the darkness disappear, but it breathes strength to make it one more day.


in the darkness, you reflect on what He has done, not on what you think He hasn't done.

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in the darkness, family come just to be near, expecting no entertainment, but just to hold you up.

so you picnic. even in the darkness.


in the darkness, you stumble upon sandy hook, connecticut for lunch on the way to see friends and remember darkness is real.  but darkness is not intended to be forever.

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in the darkness, you're still a family that serves others. otherwise, darkness wins. and you don't want that.

so we sing songs led by all sons and daughters and then deliver groceries door to door in the tenderloin district.

because darkness is temporary. now earthly-temporary seems like eternity, but our eyes are not to be fixed on the circumstance of darkness, but on the reality of His light.

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in the darkness, if eyes are on Jesus, the children will see like Jesus sees...there is no distinction between the light and the dark.


this is testimony to the grace of God. that in the dark, we have not been alone.

we know you have been praying. believing. pleading for mercy.

but what has been taking place in the dark while we've been cut off from our community here?


i entered the summer months, still denied. growing frustrated. losing hope.


in the darkness, i did have this vision while at passion city church, the grove:


Jesus is standing right beside her. His arms around her shoulder. Hie eyes glance to her then to me. she stares forward with the sweetest grin. i look and am in awe. they know each other. i know He knows her, but she knows Him? oh, how i've been asking Him to reveal His Fatherhood to her in her dreams. she knows Him! oh joy! but where are we? the setting is great with blur.

is it the orphanage gate? we are there it get her. it's 'gotcha day.' the day i've dreamed of, played out in my mind a zillion times. He's showing me how He's watched per her every day of her life. He's been so faithful. He's so gracious to give me this picture gift.

or is this heaven's gate? i never met her on earth. she was the most prayed for girl that i've ever heard of. He shows me that she met Jesus because of our prayers. maybe she was adopted by another Jesus-loving family. that's not necessary to know anymore. Jesus never left her - never ever. and she found Him - forever and ever. 

that night, rend collective sang with an intensity of soul,

dark is just a canvas for your glory and light.


my canvas is dark. therefore there's so much space to display glory and light.

i am not guaranteed this girl, but we are both guaranteed His love.


i clung to Scripture. it was the tangible presence of God. it wasn't always clear what He was saying to me, but i held on.

"hang on...within a year..." {Isaiah 21}

"rise and have no fear. and when they lifted their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only." {Matthew 17.7-8}

meetings were taking place. advocacy was at an all-time high. people gathered in our home to pray. Jesus was present in the darkness, both here and there.

"so it is not the will of my Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones should perish." {Matthew 18.14}

"He is not God of the dead but God of the living." {Matthew 22.32}

during the dark summer months, our church was collectively reading through the Gospels. in the dark, you cannot neglect the Scriptures. they breathe life and hope. His Word is a Rock on which you stand among the raging waters.

july 13, one morning before church

i sat still and knew that being a mom to k was temporary. k knowing Jesus and having a loving godly family was eternal. that's what i wanted most. i declared in my heart, "You know best, Jesus. so i hold. trust. hope in You."

july 13, same morning during church service

God, in His grace and mercy, renewed my hope in Him.

and He gives us NO false hope.

we need a resurrection overseas.

"God, it's all up to You. i surrender, once again, under the authority of God and the Name above all names."

"even the darkness is not dark to You. the night shines like the day; darkness and light are alike to You." {Psalm 139.12}

it's me that sees the distinction. not. God.

in the darkness, you still live.

i take a deep breathe for He has given me life. it's the enemy that wants nothing more to steal my joy and my hope in the darkness. but God is made known to others when i choose to live out of His abundance, not my scarcity in the darkness.

don't sulk and wait for the darkness to end.

there's life in the darkness.

there's light in the darkness.