soul laid bare in a hotel room

soul laid bare in a hotel room.

the phrase sounds like a catchy opening line to a thriller novel. my life moments defy the mundane, but they are no match to a thriller novel.

rather for a thrill seeker, this post will bore you to sleep...unless your life has been ALL thrills and you're in need of a reprieve.

heaven and my husband know that was me. in need of a "come together" session.

a "pull it together girl" crisis.

{and i don't exaggerate here on the blog. i save that for my conversations in person.}

i knew for the past few months that i'd be in canada for this particular few days for a speaking engagement.

it's my soul that wasn't prepared for what would come.



through a series of events, one of my friends couldn't come and another stepped in.

i gave her not one minute for peace and quiet on the flight. conversation was constant and good for me. i'm pretty sure it was good for her, too. {mandy, chime in here.} we had quite a bit of catching up to do.

this momma-church-planter's-wife-dear-friend-of-mine was willing to share a room with me. while we could have had our own rooms, i was afraid to be left alone for an extended period of time... more than five minutes.

{again, not an exaggeration}

upon check-in, we learned we had two separate rooms.

"well, okay. can you make sure the rooms are adjoining?" i tried not to sound desperate.

"we don't have any of those available."

with a big girl attitude, i complied with those involved in the room transaction and took my two room keys, convincing everyone around me that this was just dandy.

my friend and i parted ways on the elevator with plans to connect the next morning.

"i can do this," i uttered to myself with deep breaths in between.

the moment i found myself unpacked, settled in, and begrudgingly still in my covers, my soul began to scream at me.

"why are we by ourselves? you know your mind can't take this right now."

my three kids had one of the toughest weeks at school. {toughest is not a strong enough descriptive word}

i discovered my passport was lost two days before flying to canada. {that's another post}

my pastor husband was up against some major decisions and massive leadership opportunities.

and i was a wreck with nothing but frozen pizza to offer my clan.

being in a room all by myself scared me.

my soul was trying to tell me that i should be watched at all times while away from my husband and kids.

this was not a good thing.

however, the long, exhausting conversation between me and my soul lulled me to sleep.

that was a good thing.

morning came.

quiet lingered from the night before.

no where to be until lunch.

i completed my exercise routine.

ate my breakfast.

i found myself sipping coffee and putting it in one place as opposed to walking through the house during our busy morning routine and putting it down, forgetting, remembering, reheating it again. repeat.

no one entered the room.

no one needed me to prepare breakfast.

crossing into another country resulted in no phone vibrating or making noise.

i knew my time with God was going to be well-received by me and my soul.

but as i began to utter my dependence upon Him,

that i am nothing without Him,

that He's everything to me,

 that I'm a mess,

that I'm desperately, yet humbly begging Him

to act in our adoption case,

to surround my children before, behind, and around,

to give favor to my husband and direct his steps,

to clear my mind and remind me who I am,

my hands that cupped my face could no longer hold the tears.

my body convulsed as my soul was screaming again.

it was screaming in freedom.

a cleansing freedom for my soul laid bare in a hotel room.

no longer bottled up, sabotaged by a good front the rest of me was trying to maintain.

relieved to tell God the truth. for it's in the telling that your own soul finds peace.

snotty, mascara-stained tissues took care of the physical traces my soul left on my face.

soul clutter had finally been released. all in calling on Jesus who was with me in the hotel room.

listen, friends: Steady My Heart by Kari Jobe

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