He is...{an adoption promise}

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it's not what we were hoping for at all.

it so contradicts what we have been begging God for all week.

we woke friday to see that our judge and lawyer had no cases on saturday, though our page said we still had a hearing.

then saturday the website showed us more dooming news.

it's worse than not having a hearing on saturday.

we are back in the holding tank, court 36.

the place we have been from november through january 29.

and it was this date a year ago {february 7.2014} when we received the denial of k.

it's as if the chains have been put back on all of us, including k,

while we were just about to taste freedom.

i wanted to write you yesterday.

multiple times i tried to find the words.

and i refuse to fluff this up with spiritual jargon.

we're hurting. we don't understand. the pain numbs. the process lags on.

our hearts are crushed. the boys feel our disappointment.

we've allowed ourselves to hope and dream of travel and meeting her, which we have tried to stay guarded about for years.

i know God can do this. i know He can intervene. i know you've been praying and believing and were hopeful with us for good news by now.

while i can't even begin to explain the void in the pit of my stomach or the wound that is sensitive to the touch,

or how utterly vulnerable i will feel walking into church today,

i know the tears will continue to fall and the battle wages on and that k has more nights in the orphanage based on these facts.

but i've been reminded this weekend,

that WHO HE IS is stronger than what I need Him to do for me.

He is faithful.

He is good.

He is steadfast.

He is sovereign.

He sees k and loves her.

He is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

He is the Prince of Peace.

He hates evil.

He is just.

He is merciful.

He loves us.

i'm tired of begging God for what i need Him to do, I've got to start believing in WHO HE IS.

because His heart is for the orphaned.

because He is alive.

because He conquered death on the cross.

because He causes the sun to rise and set.

because He cannot fit into my mind or thoughts.

because He makes all things news.

because His ways are higher.

because He does the unimaginable.

because He is jealous for our hearts to turn towards Him and not what He can do for us.

"bless the Lord, o my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy Name." {psalm 103.1}