kindergarten

i thought it would be easy.
we've done it once before.
this kid was naturally ready.
he had spent every day at this school last year,
waiting on the play yard for brother to be done.

youngest brother gives him a high five and says, "see you later, sammy."
with a huge grin on his face, he couldn't be more proud.

yet, there was a lump in my throat that i just couldn't swallow.
i tried to force it down or it was gonna cause tears to gush from my eyes.
what was happening to me?
i thought this would be easy.
we've done it once before.

oldest brother started his kindergarten year off with a skip in his step.
independence for him.
releasing the oldest for me.
that was two years ago.
now two go.
is it that we have two at school or just one at home that
causes my emotions to be so unstable?
for every parent, this is a milestone.
a change for them.
a change for you.

i thought all along that the scary part was going to be their transition
from home to school and all that it entails.
but i am discovering every day that the scary part is my transition.

how will i greet them when i see them at the end of the day?
will i pray for them while we are apart?
how will i spend my time while they are at school?
will i give them space to make mistakes and then offer grace?
will i want to step in and defend?
how long will i get to snuggle with them still on those sad days?
who are they listening to now?