tiptoe

 i tiptoe into this year.

i peek around its corner, apprehensive.

so much of yesterday, 2014, is still holding my heart.

fears still grip my chest with anxiety, though i wish i were like others who just took a full cannon ball plunge into their new year.

i look all around at what others are doing as if i have an option of stepping into 2015.

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"nah," i tell the new year.

"you go ahead without me. while 2014 brought the darkest hour my soul has ever encountered, at least i can look back at it. i can't see into 2015. call it dark. call it light. call it a blank page. it's unknown and uncertain and makes my heart palpitate irregularly."

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i appear to have been doused with a bucket of anxiety and fear. i peek around the corner drenched in it. i'm a soppy mess.

they still have their party hats on from the night before. their hair still in place because they didn't sleep on it long.

they're resolutions are probably typed up or written in calligraphy.

i can't see past yesterday. and yesterday was a hard and trying year.

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i'm tired.

really, i'm tired of guessing what might happen and what i'll lose control of.

instead of walking, plunging, tiptoeing into 2015, i'm gonna put a momentary effort into one destination and make it as far as i can into my Abba's arms.

hoist myself up into His lap and take a deep breath. then i'm gonna let Him dry me off, calm me down, and speak over me.

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 because what i need more than anything else, is a momentary reminder that He's not taken His eyes off of me.

that as i peek around the corner, He's got the whole block covered.

i need to not care about my approval rating from anyone else, but put all that energy into gaining wisdom and walking obediently.

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He alone can quiet me with His love and rejoice over me with gladness. {Zephaniah 3.17}

i am going to leave my doubts with Him and exchange them for the faith adventure i started out on 30 years ago.

with His constant breathing in me, i'm choosing to believe Him and not the scary voices coming from the dark.

put me in the category with the folks in psalm 107.27-31:

"they were at their wits' end, then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. they they were glad that the waters were quiet and he brought them to their desired haven. let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love."

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it's not as if i had a choice to hang back in 2014 {though my nostalgic self always prefers the past over the future.}

i'm in 2015 with you and the rest of the human race.

it's just that tiptoeing has allowed me to ease into what just might be the best year yet.

{not what you were expecting to read at the end of this post, right? i know. i began with such a debbie downer}

but amidst all the apprehension dripping off of me, God was beyond faithful in 2014.

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  i certainly want to be a different person come end of this year, but i have to get there in chunks. i'm just chewing on the next three months, not the entire year.

january through march.

that's as far as i am looking.

expect when i dream of tucking my little girl in her bed in several months or dropping off my oldest at middle school in the fall.

i just swallowed the words from cover to cover in a borrowed book, "The Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family" by Patrick Lencioni.

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 and i've got my rallying cry for the next three months and that is to get home ready for K.

this will affect our eating habits, our marriage, our family time, our schedule, and my time.

but having a goal to achieve over the next few months that causes my whole family to grow stronger?

i'm all in. tiptoes and all!

whether you tiptoed or jumped right in, make this the best year yet. and it's best achieved in living out what God already has waiting for you.

happy new year friends.